Loss and Recovery

January 24, 2023

I haven’t written in over a month. I’m still recovering from the most profound shock of my life.
After a three-month, life-changing trip to Europe, I came back “home” on December 7th, energized and optimistic. I was anticipating more travels in 2023 and looked forward to spending time with friends and family through the holidays. I planned my itinerary, including a house-sitting gig for a friend from December 25th through January 6th. Then I would ski before resuming my nomadic life. I thought Costa Rica might be next.
Thankfully, I hadn’t bought a plane ticket yet.
On the evening of December 8th, I called my sister to check-in. From our texts, I knew she had been experiencing lower back pain; she felt like she hadn’t fully recovered from her hip surgery earlier in the year.
When I heard her voice, my heart sank. She was in despair. The pain had kept her from sleeping, she had lost her appetite, and she wasn’t getting a firm answer from her medical providers. Additionally, she had been laid off while on medical leave. She had been hiding her misery from family and close friends, not one to trouble other people, especially at Christmastime.
I took a day to gather my thoughts and figure out a plan of action.
I rented an Airbnb at one of her favorite places on the bay for the next two weeks and then arranged for a three-month house rental through the end of March. That would give us time to figure out her medical needs and get her in a better place emotionally. When I saw her on Saturday, she agreed to the plan without hesitation.

A few days later, an MRI showed irregularities in her liver.
The following Monday, we were in the ER. Another scan revealed tumors in her liver and pancreas, likely cancerous. That was December 19th.
On December 22nd, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer—she would not survive. She remained in the hospital for five more days due to low sodium levels.
On December 27th, we moved her into the house I had rented. One of her oldest friends arrived to help me care for her. A small group of friends and family members came to visit and support her.

She passed away on January 3rd.

Pancreatic cancer is sneaky. In most cases, people don’t receive a diagnosis until it’s advanced, often stage four. I’ve never seen someone decline so rapidly. She slipped visibly every day. I didn’t even have time to contact all our relatives and her friends to tell them she was sick.
Over the past three weeks, I have told the story countless times to friends and relatives, every time experiencing the pain again.

You know how some people say, “Man makes plans, and God laughs”? That sums up the past few years of my life. Every time that I have it all mapped out, something changes. I’ve learned to accept and embrace those changes.
Losing my sister was certainly not in my plan, but I’m grateful I was with her at the end of her life. The best thing is that I have no regrets regarding our relationship. We talked on the phone often and supported each other through the bad days. We had a lot of fun over the past decade, too. We enjoyed some great sister trips; we swam with the dolphins in Mexico, and I finally took her to Hawaii in 2021.
We have all heard the advice: “Be grateful every day. Tell people you love them. Live with no regrets.”
We really don’t know when our time will come. What keeps you from chasing your dreams and checking off that bucket list?
Right now, I’m taking my time and allowing myself to grieve. We need to do that, too. I have this beautiful lake-view home for two more months. It wasn’t in my plan, but I’m doing my best. My kids and friends have been coming to visit, I’m taking long restorative walks, and I’m helping my nieces with the work that’s involved in wrapping up my sister’s affairs. Every day the pain lifts a little. I embrace the happy moments, the tears, and the time to read, meditate, and enjoy this place’s peacefulness.